One day.

One day. One day was all it took for me to completely feel like I was losing it. Audrey had surgery on Wednesday. On that day we just go through the motions. You just do it. You wait in the children's hospital cafeteria placing your faith in the Universe and trying to find the energy to eat. But its impossible. You video chat your husband who wants to be there with you more than anything but all he can do is try to keep me calm from the other side of the world. Through a phone. While I sit in the hospital and he sits in the desert. You hold your baby's hand as she wakes up from surgery. As they tell you she really struggled with the anesthetic and that she has really "athletic kicks" as she was fighting as she was coming out of it. I guess all of those years of soccer paid off lol. As you pick up your 65 pound child out of a wheelchair to put her in the car and she has blood all over her face from bloody noses and left over from surgery. But she just gets tissue after tissue without asking questions. You drive home in the dark. Realizing you've been sipping coffee until 9pm that night so that you can stay awake and try to figure out how you will sleep.

You lay on the floor next to her in case she has to get up. In case she needs more pain meds or needs help getting to the bathroom. You don't sleep. What if she needs me. I need to be there. And you cant forget the other kid you have. She is struggling too. She doesn't know what is going on other than the fact she was shuffled around, no nap, home late and she can sense the vibes. She has meltdown after meltdown she knows something is going on but can quite put her tiny 2 year old finger on it. She doesn't sleep. How could she? It hard for her too. So we are awake going through the motions. Even if we fake a smile.

Thursday Audrey did so well. She was up and about. She just wants to get back to her normal busy self. Gymanstics, soccer, playing. Its been months since she's been able to do all those things and somehow at 8 years old she just copes. She deals. We know she will get back into everything but it will still be months. She wears her eye patch without question without worry what anyone will think. Kids are so frickin resilient.

She has been sleeping for about 14 hours now. Not me. I needed to keep checking on her. Making sure she was comfortable. Keeping Chris updated. He is struggling. He wants to be home so bad with her. Be the one sitting on the couch with her all night, not sleeping, literally sitting there with her just like he did after her accident. Telling me to sleep and he would stay up and watch her. And would. But not this time. All he can do is tell her how much he loves her through the phone, send her gifts, and then sit on the other side of the world thinking about her. Staying up all night to get updates because of the time difference over there. It has to be so hard. Then his picture shows up on my phone and you realize how bad you miss him. How bad you want him to hold you because you are struggling too. Trying to hold it together for everyone else. Pretending like you are doing okay with the sleep deprivation and mental stress of going through this with him deployed. Realized he will be gone for at least 9 more months. And suddenly you feel like its not fair. Suddenly feeling like a victim.

For me, everyday I have a routine. There are things I do during my day to set myself up emotionally and physically to feel my best. Everyone says "how strong I am". Between Chris being deployed and Audrey's accident everyone says I am doing so good. And honestly, we were doing good. Until yesterday. It is no accident I find the courage and willpower to get through these hard days with a positive mindset. But even being "off" for ONE day I can see how the negativity and stress comes creeping back into my mind. Life is a mental game. What you focus on becomes your reality.

Yesterday I didn't work out, I didn't read, I didn't eat well, I didn't drink my Shakeology, I didn't connect with other women, I didn't meditate, I watched the news, I was scrolling the newfeed. I was miserable. I didn't write down my goals or affirmations or even what I was grateful for. My daughter just went through a very extensive surgery successfully and I didn't even take 2 seconds to acknowledge how grateful I was for this miracle. ONE day of getting off course and I could feel the negativiy creeping in.

When I started my coaching business I never realized how much this would be about me. How I would start to implement so many things into my life that would help ME be a better person. How I would learn to cope. I was so drained and exhausted last night I couldn't do anything but try to sleep. I felt unmotivated I felt miserable.

Everyday I workout.
Everyday I read personal development.
Everyday I connect with other women and moms.
Everyday I write down what I am grateful for and positive affirmations.
Everyday I try to feed my body to feel its best. (It is crazy how food (especially sugar) affect your mental state)
Everyday I meditate. Only for a few minutes. Because I need to sanity of the quietness.
I NEVER watch the news. Never. That was something I quit doing after Chris' last deployments. I CANNOT have that negativity in my life.
I almost NEVER scroll the newsfeed on FB. Love you guys, but there is a lot of negativity there too.
Everyday I share my journey with you guys. And yesterday I couldn't even do that. Everyday I hope that someone will see even one of my posts and have a little positivity in their life. Have a little hope. Yesterday I didn't have that. So I steered clear of posting.

I could feel myself reverting the person I was 2 years ago. In ONE day. One friggin day of not doing the things I do daily to improve my mental and physical state and I felt awful. I felt like I couldn't cope. ONE day of not doing my coaching my activities and suddenly I was lost. That girl 2 years ago was lost. That girls during Chris' last deployments was a mess. And now I can see why. Coaching isnt for someone who is perfect. It is for someone who wants to improve every aspect her life and continue to change.

So today as the warm weather creeps I DIVE back into my daily routine. Into what gives me life. So this morning, that starts with pushing play. That workout isnt about 6 pack abs or huge biceps its about so much more <3